why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My ass is underappreciated
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
