The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm getting married
To pizza
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize