You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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