I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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