haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's shark week go big or go home
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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