You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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