Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Everything about him screamed your future.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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