Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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