If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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