i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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