there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
