508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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