I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
