Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
