It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
