in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We have started to decorate penises.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
