Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
