I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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