Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize