tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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