i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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