Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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