he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
