last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize