i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
