Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
