just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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