can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize