I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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