Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
