She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
