I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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