I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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