If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
