the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
