Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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