i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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