Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
