people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
