I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
