I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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