You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
