I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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