eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
