The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
