My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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