I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Oh god it's open bar.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
