I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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