Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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