I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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