Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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