if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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