Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She bit a glass in half.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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