That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
