I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
