Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
