You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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