I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
