it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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