I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
