Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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