I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
