I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
